Wednesday, December 2, 2009

The Call by Kim Addonizio

That's a photo of my bedroom where I've been hiding, crying, shaking my fist at god and cursing the motherfucking incompetent surgeon who crippled me---surrounded by my books, cats and dragonflies. My books speak to me and comfort me. My cats purr and comfort me. My dragonflies look down at me and comfort me. My painting of my dead 20 year old cat on the wall comforts me. Ray tucks my blankets under my feet and comforts me. My prayers hit the ceiling and bounce back on my head giving me headaches. I read poetry, cry and adjust my heating pad and add more blankets, drink more water so I can cry more futile tears. I'm a fucking broken fountain in a town with no plumber. I'm reading Kim Addonizio off and on, one of my favorite poets, so hence, her poem below. The pages of her books are now salty and crinkled and water-warped......Life is not always what it seems, no?

By: Kim Addonizio

A man opens a magazine,
women with no clothes,
their eyes blacked out.
He dials a number,
hums a commercial
under his breath. A voice
tells him he can do
anything he wants to her.
He imagines standing her
against a wall, her saying
Oh baby you feel so good.
It's late. The woman
on the phone yawns,
trails the cord to the hall
to look in on her daughter.
She's curled with one
leg off the couch.
The woman shoulders the receiver,
tucks a sheet and
Yes. Do it. Yes.
She goes to the kitchen,
opens another Diet Pepsi, wonders
how long it will take him and where
she can find a cheap winter coat.
Remembering the bills
she flips off the light.
He's still saying Soon,
turning his wheelchair right,
left, right. A tube runs down
his pants leg. Sometime
she thinks he feels something,
stops talking to concentrate
on movement down there.
Hello, the woman says.
You still on?
She rubs a hand over her eyes.
Blue shadow comes off on her fingers.
Over the faint high hiss
of the open line
she hears the wheels knock
from table to wall.
What's that, she says.
Nothing, he tells her,
and they both
listen to it.


When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran

I didn't want my picture taken because I was going to cry. I didn't know why I was going to cry, but I knew that if anybody spoke to me or looked at me too closely the tears would fly out of my eyes and the sobs would fly out of my throat and I'd cry for a week. I could feel the tears brimming and sloshing in me like water in a glass that is unsteady and too full. ~Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar


Serena said...

Oh, Lord, I'm so sorry you're going through this! Your bedroom looks delightfully cozy, but I hate it that you're being forced to stay in bed. I hope you feel much better very soon.

Janelle Goodwin said...

How frustrating it must be to be in pain. Please know that there are so many people who care about you, Marion.

Sending prayers and blessings your way.

Karen said...

Marion, I am so sad for you. Maybe if this healthcare mess gets fixed you can get some help. Please don't give up hope. I am including you in my prayers.

Angela Recada said...

So much sad news today. I didn't realize how bad it's been for you. I'm so sorry.

Hugs and love,

quid said...

Joy in the Morning....

“For his anger endureth but a moment; in his favour is life: weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning (Psalms 30:5).”

This, I hope for you, Maid Marion.


Marion said...

Thank y'all. Really. Please forgive my complaining. So many are so much worse than me. I'm fucking DEVASTATED and PISSED FUCKING OFF about my Canadian soulmate, Renee, on top of things. She may have cancer again, this time in her stomach. This after surviving Stage 4 Inflammatory Breast Cancer for over 2 years now. I wish I could give her my stomach, my life. It's so not fair, so not fair, so FUCKING NOT FAIR!!!

Don't waste your prayers on me. I don't deserve them. Please, please, please pray for Renee.

Here's her blog:

Pam said...

You, my dear fairy friend, are in my heart and my prayers! May your pain, both physical and internal, ease!

raven said...


I am so sorry about the great harm and damage which this lousy surgeon has done to you and your health.

Thank you for sharing Kim Addonizio's poem with us. I appreciated it.

In one of my previous comments, I said that I am still trying to get to know you, because perhaps you have once considered me as a friend. And I feel that I have been a lousy friend to you which I regret and am ashamed of.

I wanted to say something encouraging to you, but know that you are in my heart and I will keep your friend Renee also in my thoughts.


Inky said...

I will pray for Renee and I hope that God will take this NASTY C away, forever, I pray this too will soon pass and she will not have to suffer anymore.. GOD bless her..

For you dear Marion I will pray for you as well. I spent almost a year in bed with pain that is never going to go away but eased, Thank GOD!!

I never wish that pain on anyone, I had both my children natural childbirth ( i musta been nuts ) but I would rather give birth that way everyday then endure pain of last year.

I type with tears I wish I could reach out and help you,God bless you and heal soon

Judith Ellis said...

I love you, dear friend. A kiss and the warmest hug, I send to you. As I write this "You Raise Me Up" is playing. He shall raise you up, only believe. My prayers are with both you and Renee. Let me know how I can help.

Marion said...

I appreciate you all and I'm sorry I'm so bitchy. I have two choices the way I see it: pain 24/7 or expensive mind-numbing pain medications that I can ill afford. Even the mildest, generic pain pills are almost $80 for one bottle that only lasts me for two weeks. The low dose pain patches are $15 each, which is $75 for 2 weeks. I'm not sleeping because I can't afford the sleeping pills either. God only knows how much those cost. A monthly visit to a pain management doctor is over $90 and you must go monthly to get the medicines. Greedy whores, all of them. That, my friends, is a sin against the poor and the poor middle class. Our health system sucks. May every pharmaceutical company and all of its employees burn in hell for profiting so blatantly on the poor, the elderly and the sick. May God give them all a taste of the pain that people must suffer who can't afford medications due to their greed. And how the fuck am I supposed to afford a "mandated" health insurance policy when I can barely afford to eat. Fuck the government, too. They're all out for themselves. Period.

Woman in a Window said...

Marion, I was just doing my dishes and crying about Renee and remembering, holy shit, Marion has a post up I've not responded to and she is in pain too and the snow is falling all around and is light and renewing and there is too much pain. I feel it, just a sliver of it for you, and for renee. and it is not fair.

you've a beautiful bedroom, Marion.
I'll come. We'll flashlights. We'll read poetry. Raunchy stuff that is not sad and eat chocolate. Do you have extra pillows?

Kelly said...

There are enough prayers to go around for both you AND Renee, Marion.

Sending love and ((hugs)) your way.

Judith Ellis said...

Marion - Email me please:

Phoenix said...

I'm so sorry, Marion. I wish I could offer comfort or hope but I know sometimes it feels that when you're in pain, you're in a far off place that nobody can reach.

Please, please, please know that you are not alone and that you are so incredibly loved.

Inky said...

I am praying for you and Renee, I hope you both will feel God's healing hands. I wish you much blessings..

Angie Muresan said...

Oh Marion, I am so sorry! So much pain and unfairness in the world.
I remember watching TV one morning and McCain's wife came on to talk about her migraines and how debilitating they were for her. And I rolled my eyes and cursed her under my breath. What did she have to complain about? She's loaded and could afford to take care of her pain. And if she really cared, her husband would have been more supportive of the health bill instead of slamming it down.
I understand the inefficiency of this system all too well, being a caregiver to my mom who is battling cancer.
Praying for both you and Renee. I was so shocked to read that about her the other day.
P.S. You do have a very cozy bedroom.

Woman in a Window said...

Yikes, I just got all excited about the snow and my keyboard went huts!

I meant to write, I'M HOLDING YOUR HANDS AND WE'RE JUMPING IN YOUR GARDEN! Yipee Kye Ay, er something like that.

love you, too, Marion.